Sunday, September 19, 2010

Festivals - A time for celebration, a time for learning, a time for grieving.

So, this morning Shukun, Boogle, Wriggle & I went to the Eid ul-Fitr festival.  It was to celebrate the end of Ramadan.  The month where fasting is intended to teach & remind Muslims about patience, humility, and spirituality.

And it's here, amongst a crowd of hundreds who are celebrating that month long work, that I feel so alone & really see Boogle again - not just as my son, as my little man who makes my day brighter, but as I compare him to other children his age - where he fits in the world.  Here's where I re-learn my lessons about patience & humility.

I'm ready for the diagnosis now - I'm ready to hear the bad news - because now I've seen it for myself.

There amongst the animals & the dodgem cars & the ride-on ponies - I saw a little boy who was having issues. I watched him as he closely examined his hand slowly opening & closing - something he does a million times per day.  I watched him as he turned his back on these petting goats & concentrated on his ball rather than these animals who were willing to do *anything* for a mouthful of more food from the cups.  I watched him as he was not excited about a pony-ride - not able to understand what was happening as he was led up & down a simple path.

And I grieve for all of these things - of not being able to explain how exciting a horse-ride is, how nicely the goats were behaving or how they were pushing each other over for more food, how fun the dodgem car ride is... of not having the motherhood that so many mothers around me were having.

Apparently this is normal. To grieve & to feel this loss of potential parenting. To have all your parenting dreams smashed because you have to do what you *have* to do - not what you wanted or dreamed about doing.   So, today, like a lot of other days in the future to come... I'm going to allow myself to feel this loss & separation of have versus want.  And get back up on that horse & work harder tomorrow.


  1. hello :)
    lovely to see your blog started up.
    There aren't too many words of comfort right now, but your love will guide you through this. You aren't alone, and there is an online community just waiting for you.
    I have some posts on grief on my blog, too. This was the most recent one if you want to take a look.
    Just remember you are not alone.

  2. Hi,

    I followed you over from DQ's blog. You're definitely not alone in this. The car thing reminds me of my little guy, who loves going out in the car- for how long I don't know. Keep writing- it helps so much.